Whitby abbey to get sea view

Count Dracula’s favourite holiday home is due to get a fabulous sea view after the East cliff of Whitby was once again struck by landslides. Holiday makers in the houses along Alfleada terrace awoke on the 27th of November to find their gardens had been stolen by houses further down the hill, with suspiciously efficient council workers waiting to pull the houses apart brick by brick. A spokesman for the abbey said “Eet is vonderful! Soon I vill be able to haff ze duplex vindows installed! Muhahaha!”

And here is where we shall put the duplex windows.

Saint Hilda’s church, which famously stands above the town’s 198 steps (budget cuts) blocking the Abbey’s northerly vista over the sea, has also begun on a rapid project to relocate onto the road below. Pesky tourist fossil hunters are said to be ecstatic at the prospect of the churchyard falling onto the beach below, giving them the chance to live out their tomb raider dreams and find actual skeletons instead of strangely shaped stones.



The reason for the sudden collapse remains unknown; however, speculation ranges from it being the wrathful rains of a sea god angered as the townsfolk haven’t sacrificed enough tourists this winter, to damaged drains undermining the land on the cliff. Wildlife experts are also known to be investigating claims of terrorist action by disgruntled moles, though refused to comment on probable motives.