SCIENTICIANS TO DOOM US ALL.

The selfless motive behind Sir Ranulph Fiennes' trek across Antarctica has been revealed. Scientists who have obviously spent far too long studying and not enough time watching horror movies are to drill a hole into the Antarctic ice in order to open up Lake Ellsworth for scientific research. We can only hope Sir Ranulph reaches them in time in order to prevent whatever hideous creatures live there from being released to hunt mankind.

Lake Ellsworth (or Lake Doom as positively minded conspiracy theorists term it) lies sealed two miles below the Antarctic ice and its icy waters have remained pitch black and undisturbed for almost half a million years. The high winds and notoriously low temperatures raise the question why here?  Nowhere is this more prevalent than in the Lake District, where media comparisons between Ellsworth’s similarity in dimensions to Lake Windermere have caused the local tourist board to start a ‘Why Not Windermere?’ campaign. 

"Our lake's just as good as any foreign lake," said our source. "Why not come here, we've got nice pubs, you don’t find those in the Antarctic. It’s just as cold and windy and you don’t have to melt though 3km of ice before you can go looking for monsters.”  

Lakeland cruises are running a 2 for 1 deal on all monster spotting trips until the end of the month.

The best part about the whole adventure: shortly before the scientists are devoured by the beast from the abyss, they are intending to use a giant water pistol blasting thousands of litres of hot water to carve through the ice.  Rumours that the lead scientist was seen cackling beside the water cannon whilst stroking his cat are as yet unconfirmed.