Sea level rise finally quantified... but your house won’t be flooding anytime soon.

Leading climate scientists have finally brought clarity to the issue of sea level rise by locking themselves in an undisclosed university conference room for several days, until they all agreed to end their disagreement. Sources say that after a heated debate discussing the previous thirty estimates of ice sheet change: all emerging from essentially the same satellite data, that the final figure of +11mm was reached. 

“11mm over two decades isn’t going to flood your home anytime soon,” said the lead researcher; however, the bigger issue of climate change and melting ice caps is the focus here. "Think of the polar bears."  

Glaciologists believe a 1m sea level rise should be expected by 2100, which is enough to cause widespread flooding in low-lying cities.

The research team refused to comment on statements released by Japanese whaling officials stating the cause of the 20 year dispute over sea level rise is due to a confounding ‘fish factor.’ The ‘research’ fleet, which kills hundreds of whales each year despite international condemnation, does so for purposes of science, not the succulent tasty whale meat, says the official. Professor Nisshin Maru said: “We have known of the long standing problem of sea level rise and all those satellites providing conflicting results for some time, but it’s all down to the ‘fish factor’.” 

“Archimedes wasn’t wrong when he stepped in that full bath and flooded the place, and the principles apply just as much to our marine friends: we drag the whales out of the ocean and measure the miniscule sea level change, it’s science with a tasty twist.”  

Poor guys

He went on to say the volume of the whales can then be used to estimate the sea level change expected from global unsustainable fishing using yearly fish catch data. “Yes the ice is melting and raising sea level due to global warming and all that, but unsustainable fishing lowers sea level, helping offset any change.”

“I like my Maldives beach house as much as the next guy,” said the captain of the lead research ship when presented with the findings. “This is why I personally drag as many whales out of the ocean as possible.” 

Environmentalists are stressing that the finding should not be seen as a green light to start pulling everything from the oceans as the poor marine life has enough to deal with as it is, without wacky Japanese science hypotheses.  In addition to contesting the global significance of the ‘fish factor’,  the close link between the Japanese research vessels and Japan’s biggest supermarket was recently called into question after its 'Whale Wednesdays' half price promotion made the international headlines.

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