Slight feeling of disappointment as world fails to end

Thousands of weirdie-beardie types have woken up disappointed this morning after once again the world failed to be destroyed in an ambiguous cataclysm.  Through much squinting and deliberate misinterpreting of the ancient Mayan calendar, they decided that the 183rd apocalypse prediction (from the past 2000 years), would prove lucky and that this time the world really would end...honestly.

Egged on by the media and grinning entrepreneurs they happily handed over all their monies for survival kits, doomsday bunkers (£920 would have let you hide in Stalin’s personal bunker) and one-way (or else rather hypocritical) trips to Bugarach, France in the hopes of being rescued by aliens.  Causing governments the world over to worry that some more of their subjects might commit ritual suicide, a solution our French source suggested was 'a little silly': “If ze world really iz going to end, I’d rather die covered in high-class prostitutes with a nose full of ze Bolivian marching powder,” definitely sounds better than drinking a foul ‘potion’ in a cold damp field whilst wearing organic itchy hemp clothes.

Vegetarian ration packs were going down a treat.

The Chinese government resorted to arresting 500 scaremongers from the ‘Eastern Lightning’ religious group, who were handing out pamphlets foretelling the end of the world and the French government sealed off Pic de Bugarach Mountain to prevent any more hippies getting drunk and falling off the top.

The French Mayor of Bugarach Jean-Pierre has issued a plea to all crazies to stay at home and not descend on his picturesque village saying: “our village will not be able to cope,” possibly due to the lack of local mental health facilities.

Meanwhile, hotels in Yucatan: the heartland of the ancient Mayan empire, are fully booked up into next year, genuine doomsday threat or elaborate long lasting tourism drive? You decide…