D'oh[a]! Climate change conference emits a lot of ‘hot air’

It emerged today that the latest conference discussing climate change mitigation held at Doha did little other than contribute more ‘hot air’ to a warming planet. 

Professor Scott who heads up the Sensible Science panel said: “Politicians should do us all a favour and keep their mouths shut, rather than spouting unsubstantiated nonsense, which simply warms the Earth up more.” This comes following the latest climate change conference at Doha, which basically extended the existing Kyoto protocol and promised that governments would have another chat in 2015.

The conference concluded by firmly agreeing that developing countries would receive some sort of monies, sometime in the future, covering some of the costs incurred as a result of climate change, which developed countries claimed they are absolutely not causing.

US negotiators said: “Any aid given would certainly not be viewed as compensation for damages as a result of climate change,” over litigation fears as a result of accepting legal liability and confusing the religious folk, who think it’s all down to God and homosexuals.

After public calls to divert part of the colossal US defence budget towards renewable energy, some US officials proposed a ‘global cooling day’ where everyone with a freezer would leave the door open for a day, which they state would almost certainly cool the planet. Professor Scott replied: “Whilst a freezer full of melted ice cream is not a great way to show solidarity with the polar bears, it will perhaps highlight the need to implement some sensible solutions such as removing governments from the pockets of big oil companies and investing more in renewable technology.” 

Although the costs of mitigating serious climate change are small compared with the future costs as a result of inaction, positive feedback loops and runaway climate change don’t mean a lot to your average worker.  Scientists are instead promoting the creation of artificial positive feedback loops, whereby the occurrence of events attributed to climate change (‘climate shocks’), result in Obama getting punched in the face.

“This will appeal to the average layperson much more than melting Himalayan glaciers and everything in the Amazon rainforest dying,” said Dr Doolots. 

“Essentially politicians are working towards stabilising temperature rise at 2°C relative to pre-industrial levels, which although is still pretty bad for Mother Nature, is thought to allow for human adaptation to climate change. Shame they're doing a crap job of it. Beyond that it basically all starts to go to pot: extreme climate events, species extinctions, ecosystem collapse and crop failures are to name but a few delights which will eventually hit us all in the face.”

It is worth noting that emissions are currently following the 2007 IPCC’s ‘worst case scenario’, predicted to lead to a 4°C rise by the end of the century, now revised to 5-6°C. With such an imminent threat of severe warming, which was predicted by Mark Lynas to cause widespread anarchy, perhaps we all deserve a slap with some science publications.

To have a 50% chance of keeping  global temperature rise below 2°C relative to pre-industrial levels, greenhouse gas concentrations need to stabilise below 450ppm CO2 equivalence.

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