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In a bid to make your morning newspaper more like a crossword and less full of that scary informative news stuff, MPs have reached a deal on press regulation. None of the three main parties left the agreement entirely satisfied but they all agreed that the compromise deal would stop "those pesky reporters telling the world about one's private sordid sex romps". A source added: "If I want to have extra-marital sex with my secretary/her sister/or her sister's plus one at that all night cocktail party, that’s entirely my prerogative, the last thing the public needs is some spotty journalist hacking my webcam and putting my picture in the paper".

The Orwellian move, to be put before an emergency debate in the Commons today would establish by royal charter a commission with the ability to levy Fines of up to one million pounds and force publications to publish prominent apologies if the regulator deems it appropriate. There is confusion between the parties as to whether the commission would be supported by statute however, with Labour claiming it to be and Tory MPs stating this is not the case.

One popular celestial paper (whom we cannot name due to having neither one million pounds nor the print space for an apology) has made it clear they are very concerned about this assault on the free press, though it isn’t quite clear if they're genuinely concerned about the 'Big Brother' implications or whether they're just upset because now they cant hack phones, they’ll never be able to hack Ed Milliband's phone to get his view on the whole situation.

Perhaps in an attempt to allay fears of a wagon rolling further and further toward state censorship, once established the charter will need a two thirds majority in parliament to change it, hopefully preventing its abuse. However who knows how far this will go, is it setting a precedent? What will the government deem [CENSORED]