IT’S ALL THE VOGUE IN PYONGYANG

Despite all the tub-thumping and sabre rattling in the Korean peninsula, it seems the North Korean central news agency has their priorities in order, giving tips to the fashion conscious members of the oppressed masses.  The helpful advice that old people should wear clothing which is both “neat” and “comfortable” should be useful advice to anybody who frequently mistakes burlap sacks for evening attire.
  

He's a dedicated follower of fashion

Care should be taken to ensure that your clothing suits your “countenance, figure and age,” no mutton in lamb’s clothing in North Korea then.  It seems this season the commissars at the North Korean Clothing Institute have a glut of light coloured textiles in stock for this spring season as they are given Kim Jong Un’s two thumbs up personal seal of approval.

However, in the south of the country military D.P.M clothing is in vogue with more and more of it being shipped to the young men on the border with South Korea.  Sources within the country state that this growing trend is nothing to worry about and it is merely the youth experimenting with tie-dye and definitely not a build up of troops to attack those capitalist pig-dogs, nothing to worry about there then.

Move over London, Paris and New York, the colourful fashions of Pyongyang’s clothing institute are the cool new kid on the block.

Don’t blame the weather, blame yourselves say climate scientists

Climate scientists have found a link between the snowfall and freezing temperatures being experienced in Britain, Europe and North America and global warming. They state that the dramatic decline in Arctic sea ice is adding heat to the ocean and atmosphere, shifting the jet stream and allowing cold air from the Arctic to head south. 

“Essentially...we told you so, we told you so again, and we told you it will only get worse,” said one climate boffin. 

He added: “Many people will simply try to adapt to the change rather than realising it can be prevented, given that we caused it. We’re not cavemen anymore: we understand the problem and know how to moderate it. Don’t buy a 4✕4 and a jacket stuffed with a few geese and then curse when you plough into a six-foot snow drift and have to get towed out by a smug farmer. Buy one of those electro-mobiles that will stay firmly in your garage because the cold has flattened the battery. It will save you all the trouble and is much better for dear old Mother Nature.”

"Cars stuck in even worse drifts higher up you say? They were clearly lacking my superb driving technique...onwards!"

This link comes as the UK’s chief scientific adviser has warned that the CO₂ in the atmosphere now will be causing floods and droughts for the next 25 years, meaning the longer we leave the CO₂ rise unchecked the worse it will get, and not just for the geese.

Our groceries are the same size, ‘people are just getting bigger’ maintains major food brand.

Research indicates that despite rising checkout bills, your weekly shop is reducing in volume as brands subtly reduce the size of their products to avoid having to implement a price increase.

Major food brands are refuting this statement, maintaining that to an increasingly obese population, the food packaging simply “looks smaller”, but it is actually just a figment of the mind. The spokespersons added: “People pay good money to be told to eat less and diet, or to ‘count their calories’ and eat smaller portions, so even if we were reducing the packet sizes... which we’re not, its saving you from a miserable early grave. We’re actually providing a public service.”

"You've been extra for minature carrots for years...suckers." Says

 stereotypical, overweight, pipe smoking capitalist man.

Dr Yamakoto from the Institute of Consumer Studies disagrees and said that if current rates continue, by 2050 you will be paying £1.99 for an empty packet about the size of your little finger, once containing biscuits. “While some people will be convinced by the packaging that there are actually biscuits inside, most will opt for the previously industrial-size packet and get on with their lives like good capitalist consumers.”

A ready meal manufacturer added:  “Now all the horsemeat has been taken out, of course our packets are going to get smaller. We tried increasing the quantity of the unwanted animal bits but without the horse it just doesn’t taste the same. Consumers can’t expect to pay 99p for a meal and expect it to contain prime cuts of beef, but when bulked out with some tasty horse everything was fine.”

Extra! Extra! Read all about it: [CENSORED]

In a bid to make your morning newspaper more like a crossword and less full of that scary informative news stuff, MPs have reached a deal on press regulation. None of the three main parties left the agreement entirely satisfied but they all agreed that the compromise deal would stop "those pesky reporters telling the world about one's private sordid sex romps". A source added: "If I want to have extra-marital sex with my secretary/her sister/or her sister's plus one at that all night cocktail party, that’s entirely my prerogative, the last thing the public needs is some spotty journalist hacking my webcam and putting my picture in the paper".

The Orwellian move, to be put before an emergency debate in the Commons today would establish by royal charter a commission with the ability to levy Fines of up to one million pounds and force publications to publish prominent apologies if the regulator deems it appropriate. There is confusion between the parties as to whether the commission would be supported by statute however, with Labour claiming it to be and Tory MPs stating this is not the case.

One popular celestial paper (whom we cannot name due to having neither one million pounds nor the print space for an apology) has made it clear they are very concerned about this assault on the free press, though it isn’t quite clear if they're genuinely concerned about the 'Big Brother' implications or whether they're just upset because now they cant hack phones, they’ll never be able to hack Ed Milliband's phone to get his view on the whole situation.

Perhaps in an attempt to allay fears of a wagon rolling further and further toward state censorship, once established the charter will need a two thirds majority in parliament to change it, hopefully preventing its abuse. However who knows how far this will go, is it setting a precedent? What will the government deem [CENSORED]

Ahh great... Black Death Bones

Londoners are being advised there is no need to give the Farringdon area a wide berth following the discovery of thirteen skeletons, thought to be Black Death victims.

The skeletons were discovered 2.4m beneath the road by builders working on the Crossrail project. Sources suggest they were quick to capitalise on the opportunity for an extended tea break and immediately evacuated the shaft before reporting the discovery to their chief brew maker Alan Goostrey, a self taught amateur archaeologist.

Alan said he made the call to his friends in the scientific community who subsequently came and “had a poke around” before taking samples for analysis. He added that the Museum of London would be delighted with the find, following rumours that they are being forced to temporarily store skeletons in the staff canteen due to the huge skeleton influx in recent years from excavation projects.

Our scientist source who arrived in a Chemical, biological, radiological, and nuclear defence (CBRN) suit, says that there is no danger of unleashing the Black Death upon London as you actually have to meet someone with the Black Death in order to catch it, and that he was simply en route to a reported sewage leak near Ikea.