Watch out Mickey, there's a new theme park on the block

It will come as no surprise to most people that North Korean dictator Kim-Jong Un is away with the fairies, however reports suggest he wants to bring the country along with him. The Rodong Sinmun the newspaper of North Korea's ruling party calls for the people to "Spruce up" their country turning it into a "Socialist Fairyland".

Kim Jong-un has seemingly become disillusioned by his countries lack of theme parks and decided to turn the whole country into one. He has instructed for all the nations roundabouts to be measured up for spinning teacup rides and the rail network is to become one giant roller coaster.

Despite not travelling more than 30 mph, being mostly flat and feeling very communist, the ‘roller coaster’ rail network will offer the chance to experience the vast expanse of North Korean darkness, with every journey offering the thrill of “an equal chance of a derailment, collision or plunging into a ravine.”

Can fairies see in the dark?

Some analysts suggest the move away from the traditional strong dictatorship to promote the equality of communism is an attempt to increase tourist numbers, bringing in revenue to feed their starving population. However, cynics suggest it will simply finance their next batch of cardboard tanks and that U.N weapons inspectors will likely end their visit sick from candyfloss and entombed in a rusty train wreck at the base of a cliff.

He's in your papers stealing all your news...

HEY! GUYS! HEY! I'M OVER HERE!

NOW I'M WEARING A HAT!

Kim Jong-un made another attempt to get the world’s attention by waving his arms in the air and shouting "Hey! Guys! Look at me! Look! Look at what I’m doing!" Whilst positioning "missiles" on the border with South Korea. Fortunately the missiles, believed to be untested 'Musudans' thought to be able to reach the U.S territory of Guam, are more likely to be rolled up old carpets with a cardboard cone on top after sources saw Mr Jong-Un with a receipt from 'Carpet right' and a dozen rolls of duct-tape.

Kim Jong-un's attempts to dominate the news stem from his stated intention to get into next year's celebrity Big Brother. A top North Korean general stated that if this move doesn’t get him a call from the producers there will be nothing left for Kim Jong-un to do but strip naked and march along the entire North-South Korean border pausing only to press his bottom through the fence.

A spokesperson for Big Brother's producers said "We have attempted many times to contact Mr Jong-un for the program, however apparently he hasn’t been paying his bills and the phone lines have been cut off".


NOW I'M PLANNING TO INVADE YOU! paaaay attention... guuyyss...

Oh dear America: Obama the anti-Christ, global warming a hoax, aircraft exhaust fumes are chemicals sprayed by the government....are you kidding me?!

It boasts some of the best educational and research facilities in the world, but it appears God didn’t bless all of America with rational thought and reasoning, following the release of a somewhat embarrassing national poll carried out by the Public Policy Polling organisation*. One would hope the relatively small sample size doesn’t reflect the population as a whole given the surprising results.

Read the highlights below:

• 4% believe that shape-shifting reptilian people control our world by taking on human form and gaining political power to manipulate our societies...YES you did actually just read that. That’s 4 in every 100 people!

Your president...or a lizard? Maybe we should interrogate it.

• 5% believe that the exhaust seen in the sky behind airplanes is actually chemicals sprayed by the government for sinister reasons... Come on guys they cruise at 37,000 feet. 

 

• 13% believe Obama is the anti-Christ...No comment.

• 14% of voters believe in Bigfoot...Supported by how much evidence?

• 15% believe media or the government adds secret mind-controlling technology to television broadcast signal...You will buy extra fries with that burger like a good capitalist consumer.

• 15% of voters think the medical industry and the pharmaceutical industry “invent” new diseases to make money...No they ‘invent’ new pharmaceuticals to relieve you of your money.

37% believe global warming is a hoax....I mean honestly!?

* Read the report

IT’S ALL THE VOGUE IN PYONGYANG

Despite all the tub-thumping and sabre rattling in the Korean peninsula, it seems the North Korean central news agency has their priorities in order, giving tips to the fashion conscious members of the oppressed masses.  The helpful advice that old people should wear clothing which is both “neat” and “comfortable” should be useful advice to anybody who frequently mistakes burlap sacks for evening attire.
  

He's a dedicated follower of fashion

Care should be taken to ensure that your clothing suits your “countenance, figure and age,” no mutton in lamb’s clothing in North Korea then.  It seems this season the commissars at the North Korean Clothing Institute have a glut of light coloured textiles in stock for this spring season as they are given Kim Jong Un’s two thumbs up personal seal of approval.

However, in the south of the country military D.P.M clothing is in vogue with more and more of it being shipped to the young men on the border with South Korea.  Sources within the country state that this growing trend is nothing to worry about and it is merely the youth experimenting with tie-dye and definitely not a build up of troops to attack those capitalist pig-dogs, nothing to worry about there then.

Move over London, Paris and New York, the colourful fashions of Pyongyang’s clothing institute are the cool new kid on the block.

Don’t blame the weather, blame yourselves say climate scientists

Climate scientists have found a link between the snowfall and freezing temperatures being experienced in Britain, Europe and North America and global warming. They state that the dramatic decline in Arctic sea ice is adding heat to the ocean and atmosphere, shifting the jet stream and allowing cold air from the Arctic to head south. 

“Essentially...we told you so, we told you so again, and we told you it will only get worse,” said one climate boffin. 

He added: “Many people will simply try to adapt to the change rather than realising it can be prevented, given that we caused it. We’re not cavemen anymore: we understand the problem and know how to moderate it. Don’t buy a 4✕4 and a jacket stuffed with a few geese and then curse when you plough into a six-foot snow drift and have to get towed out by a smug farmer. Buy one of those electro-mobiles that will stay firmly in your garage because the cold has flattened the battery. It will save you all the trouble and is much better for dear old Mother Nature.”

"Cars stuck in even worse drifts higher up you say? They were clearly lacking my superb driving technique...onwards!"

This link comes as the UK’s chief scientific adviser has warned that the CO₂ in the atmosphere now will be causing floods and droughts for the next 25 years, meaning the longer we leave the CO₂ rise unchecked the worse it will get, and not just for the geese.

Our groceries are the same size, ‘people are just getting bigger’ maintains major food brand.

Research indicates that despite rising checkout bills, your weekly shop is reducing in volume as brands subtly reduce the size of their products to avoid having to implement a price increase.

Major food brands are refuting this statement, maintaining that to an increasingly obese population, the food packaging simply “looks smaller”, but it is actually just a figment of the mind. The spokespersons added: “People pay good money to be told to eat less and diet, or to ‘count their calories’ and eat smaller portions, so even if we were reducing the packet sizes... which we’re not, its saving you from a miserable early grave. We’re actually providing a public service.”

"You've been extra for minature carrots for years...suckers." Says

 stereotypical, overweight, pipe smoking capitalist man.

Dr Yamakoto from the Institute of Consumer Studies disagrees and said that if current rates continue, by 2050 you will be paying £1.99 for an empty packet about the size of your little finger, once containing biscuits. “While some people will be convinced by the packaging that there are actually biscuits inside, most will opt for the previously industrial-size packet and get on with their lives like good capitalist consumers.”

A ready meal manufacturer added:  “Now all the horsemeat has been taken out, of course our packets are going to get smaller. We tried increasing the quantity of the unwanted animal bits but without the horse it just doesn’t taste the same. Consumers can’t expect to pay 99p for a meal and expect it to contain prime cuts of beef, but when bulked out with some tasty horse everything was fine.”