“You’re doing what!?” says God.

It has emerged that God’s attempts to strike down St Peter's Basilica’s in anger at Pope Benedict XVI’s intention to resign, were foiled by a strip of copper running down the building, commonly known as a lightening conductor.

 

God was unaware the pope allowed such devices to be created and has expressed his anger that he can no longer lightening-strike such buildings into spontaneous combustion.

Despite being handpicked by the College of Cardinals with help from the Holy (non-alcoholic) Spirit, God’s servant Pope Benedict XVI is said to have “had enough” of telling people they are going to hell for not listening to him and will instead spend his retirement floating between the Vatican’s £500m of international real estate.

Benefits of being The Pope reportedly include 20% discount at major high street retailers and complimentary tea and mints at most Italian cafes.

Following Mussolini’s large financial backing in return for papal recognition of his fascist regime back in 1929, Benedict has been mothering the church’s nest-egg ever since. The Vatican empire remains shrouded in secrecy with purchases being outsourced to companies without links to the church, helping to maintain the notorious ‘muddy-puddle’ transparency over its internal affairs.

The Pope said to be well grounded in one of his nuclear bunkers where he will remain until God calms down and the two can have a chat. The Vatican insists that business will proceed as normal and that they have an emergency pope ready to be released from the catacombs should Benedict make a run for it. This follows concern from the Catholic Legal Defence Fund that without his Pope status, Benedict may be pursued for his role in the cover-up of sexual abuse in the Catholic Church.