“Dirt digging gravel monkeys think they’re too good for back-to-work schemes” says senior politician.

Geologists armed with their rock collections and hammers have taken to the streets in protest at comments made, suggesting they are less important than supermarket shelf stackers. This follows an angry rebuttal by the 10,000 strong Geological Society of London in response to the shelf-stacking jibe.

 

A spokesperson said: “Without geologists they wouldn’t even have the shelves to stack, that’s before we come to the food grown with minerals mined for fertilisers and transported with fuel we discovered. We certainly consider ourselves pretty important in the grand scheme of things.”

We don’t all spend our time examining rocks you know.

A geologist questioned about the issue said she didn’t spend three years in a top education establishment only to be told she had to stack shelves in a discount store for £70 a week while she waits for her high salary calling, forcing her to give up her voluntary job at a local museum where she tended the rock collection and shared her knowledge with the visitors.

Geologists United added: “We spend time in harsh, dangerous environments, from North Sea oil rigs to extensive mine networks, or prospecting in the untamed rainforest with all those biting insects and poisonous critters. That said, we value the box opening and product placing skills professed by shelf stackers in their high-pressure air-conditioned environment and would at least consider our professions equal.”

“You’re doing what!?” says God.

It has emerged that God’s attempts to strike down St Peter's Basilica’s in anger at Pope Benedict XVI’s intention to resign, were foiled by a strip of copper running down the building, commonly known as a lightening conductor.

 

God was unaware the pope allowed such devices to be created and has expressed his anger that he can no longer lightening-strike such buildings into spontaneous combustion.

Despite being handpicked by the College of Cardinals with help from the Holy (non-alcoholic) Spirit, God’s servant Pope Benedict XVI is said to have “had enough” of telling people they are going to hell for not listening to him and will instead spend his retirement floating between the Vatican’s £500m of international real estate.

Benefits of being The Pope reportedly include 20% discount at major high street retailers and complimentary tea and mints at most Italian cafes.

Following Mussolini’s large financial backing in return for papal recognition of his fascist regime back in 1929, Benedict has been mothering the church’s nest-egg ever since. The Vatican empire remains shrouded in secrecy with purchases being outsourced to companies without links to the church, helping to maintain the notorious ‘muddy-puddle’ transparency over its internal affairs.

The Pope said to be well grounded in one of his nuclear bunkers where he will remain until God calms down and the two can have a chat. The Vatican insists that business will proceed as normal and that they have an emergency pope ready to be released from the catacombs should Benedict make a run for it. This follows concern from the Catholic Legal Defence Fund that without his Pope status, Benedict may be pursued for his role in the cover-up of sexual abuse in the Catholic Church.

If you hated having an uncle monkey, you will not Adam and Eve this…

Creationists the world over gave a sigh of dismay as scientists revealed a dreamt-up image of how the first ‘placental’ mammal may have looked. ‘Placental’ mammals are those mammals that give birth to live young, such as humans, rats, dogs and, whisper it: monkeys. This common ancestor has been ‘discovered’ (or doodled if you’re of the creationist viewpoint) after examining the traits and genetic information of 86 species of ‘placental’ mammals and is a step forward in the study of evolution. Our creationist source stated:

“Just you wait here a moment while I go get me my witch burning hat […] Jebadiah! Where you done gone put my witch burning hat?”

Mother “weasel-rat” more likely to be kept in a hamster cage than have her picture above the mantel-piece.

This ‘mother of mammals’ looks like a shrew with a long hairy tail or a cross between and rat and weasel leading to the name “weasel-rat” in some circles. The “weasel-rat” (ratus-weaselus) weighed no more than a few hundred grams and ate a nutritiously tasty diet of prehistoric insects.

After the dinosaurs negated the risk of having live young become a tasty snack by helpfully becoming extinct, the “weasel-rat” flourished. Through a long and drawn out process of evolution, these cuddly little mammals, led to homo-sapiens and over 5000 of our placental mammal cousins, including your uncle monkey. Unfortunately the “weasel-rat” does not link you to kangaroos or the amazing duck-billed platypus as they are not placental mammals and so could still be the product of design by a probably drunk, Australian, god.

Pointy stick wielding tribespeople are “no more violent than you or I” claims Survival International

Why is critically acclaimed author and scientist Jared Diamond getting the pointy stick treatment from indigenous people and tribe protection charity, Survival International over his latest book: The World Until Yesterday: What Can We Learn from Traditional Societies? 

The charity claims that being greeted by a mob of angry, sharp-stick, bow and arrow or rock wielding tribes men when approaching a remote village, doesn’t at all suggest that they are more violent than your average western counterpart. 

"Yo white helicopter man, stop staring at my banana plants!"

A spokesperson for the similar charity, West Isn’t Best said: “We’ve all heard a story of someone been chased off a farm by a crazed farmer brandishing a shotgun after Rufus ‘worried his sheep’. It’s just a human instinct to protect what you see as your own. Try walking into Buckingham palace uninvited without getting yourself tasered and subsequently sandwiched beneath ten police officers, and compare that to a stumbling across a group of naked men with sticks, you tell me which is more violent.”

Writing with almost five decades of experience and with support from a large anthropologist backing, Diamond tells how mortality rates from wars and murders are higher in traditional societies due to less prominent leadership and centralised control over dealings internally and with other tribes. In some cases this leads to a state of near continuous warfare and their notoriously edgy response to strangers. In defence of his book he suggests that all the stick-stabbing, widow-strangling, child-killing and grandma abandoning is conveniently overlooked by such well-meaning charities, aiming to secure support and funding for tribal protection.

It was only Monday that images were released of a group of US backpackers who were bound, beaten and robbed by whip-brandishing Peruvian villagers and were lucky to escape the ordeal alive. So did Diamond really deserve the backlash for walking the middle path between "primitive brutish barbarians" or "noble savages” living in harmony with their environment?