The BBC’s top TV naturalist and national treasure David Attenborough has shown solidarity with sulking scientists, agreeing that we face impending doom within the next 50 years due to population growth and climate change.
An international panel of scientists, who have been spreading this news for years, are reportedly deeply upset that no one ever listens to them and are currently locked in the Large Hadron Collider, threatening to create a black hole to rid the world of the human plague.
A spokesperson for the scientists said: “After kidnapping Stephen Hawking later last week we have managed to formulate the conditions necessary to devour the contents of the world. David has kindly created a Noah's ark style bunker housing his favourite species so nature can carry on its business in peace and quiet, but we have agreed that most humans will be left at the mercy of the hole.”
The spokesperson added that unless people take radical action, everything with will go to the rats in about 50 years.
“It will start to get hot, things will start to die and you'll have to start stabbing people during your weekly shop to get out of the supermarket alive. Day to day living will become a gladiatorial contest for survival, which we'll watch like an episode of Big Brother from the luxury of our purpose-built survival spaceship, unknowingly funded by the tax payer for the past 20 years.”
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Attenborough is confident that the natural world would do a good job of limiting population growth if left unchecked, but stated that it would just lead to millions of people starving and cause situations where people are being shot over half a Mars Bar.
The black hole is pitted as a much more humane solution to prolongued starvation and involves being shredded into millions of pieces by an intense gravitational force. Scientists are advising those who want first admission to make their way to Switzerland.
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