BP discovers bottomless oil well...climate boffins said to have ‘gone Rambo’ at The South Pole

The CEO of one of the world’s largest energy companies announced on Wednesday that peak oil theories “appear increasingly groundless”, after earlier rumours that they had discovered a bottomless oil well appear to be confirmed. 

Peak oil is based on the widely held belief that you can’t extract something out of the ground forever; eventually extraction will peak and begin to decline, paralleled by price rises as the resource becomes increasingly scarce. BP however, disagree, after publishing a study predicting substantial increases in oil production into the future though controversial sources of shale oil and tar sands and an ‘undisclosed source’, believed to be a bottomless oil well which extends through The South Pole into Narnia.

Peace returns to The South Pole

Climate scientists expressed their rage at the news by kicking four BP officials out of the Amundsen–Scott South Pole Station, where they had been conducting studies, into an Antarctic blizzard before launching an impromptu hunting trip on their snowmobiles. The hunting party returned blood soaked and in good spirits but the fate of the officials remains unknown. 

The Narnia oil hole was reportedly well hidden from prying eyes by the researchers at the station using a carefully balanced toilet seat, but was uncovered by BP officials during their annual tax-deductible Antarctic oil hunt. This prompted a silencing operation led by the resident scientists, which they later realised to be futile after seeing the news had been tweeted.

The discovery means that carbon dioxide emissions will increase by more than a quarter by 2030: a looming catastrophe according to climate scientists who suggests emissions need to peak urgently to avoid dangerous climate change.