Baby monkey, baby monkey, flying into space baby monkey

Western nations have expressed concern that Iran's space programme is being used to develop long-range missiles capable of carrying nuclear warheads, following the news that Iran has successfully sent a monkey into space and retrieved it alive, if “a little dazed”. 

Officials fear Iran could be working with North Korea to train a crack team of monkey spies, as it was only last month that US analysts picked up a monkey acting suspiciously in a Canadian car park. The analysts believe space monkeys could be blasted into orbit to allow an incognito descent onto US soil in purpose-built monkey pods, undetectable by radar, before commencing their spy missions.

Animal rights activists breathed a sigh of relief after it was rumoured a death row inmate would stand in for the monkey if it developed any last minute reservations about the launch. The inmate however, was said to be excited about the prospect of a space flight despite the risk of been vaporised as he “always wanted to be a spaceman”, but claims he was incarcerated after he was found illegally importing Kentucky Fried Chicken as a student at Iran’s state university.  

The monkey is reportedly classically trained and played in Iran’s national orchestra for 4 years before deciding on the career move. His agent said: “It was a tossup between starring in the hit TV show ‘Iranian monkeys do the funniest things’ or the flight to space, needless to say he opted to develop our space program after promises of instant stardom on his return.” 

Iran needs to stop "monkeying around in space" says the Foundation for Retired Space Monkeys.

Iranian officials are promoting the launch to demonstrate that international pressure and sanctions have not prevented technological progress: “We launched a turtle, a rat and some garden worms into space back in 2010, now we have demonstrated we can preserve an animal biologically similar to a human. The next logical step is a flight for nuclear bob”. 

The modified artillery rocket harnessing the monkey reached 120 km above the Earth according to state media and the monkey is currently recovering before an anticipated media conference later today.