Baby monkey, baby monkey, flying into space baby monkey

Western nations have expressed concern that Iran's space programme is being used to develop long-range missiles capable of carrying nuclear warheads, following the news that Iran has successfully sent a monkey into space and retrieved it alive, if “a little dazed”. 

Officials fear Iran could be working with North Korea to train a crack team of monkey spies, as it was only last month that US analysts picked up a monkey acting suspiciously in a Canadian car park. The analysts believe space monkeys could be blasted into orbit to allow an incognito descent onto US soil in purpose-built monkey pods, undetectable by radar, before commencing their spy missions.

Animal rights activists breathed a sigh of relief after it was rumoured a death row inmate would stand in for the monkey if it developed any last minute reservations about the launch. The inmate however, was said to be excited about the prospect of a space flight despite the risk of been vaporised as he “always wanted to be a spaceman”, but claims he was incarcerated after he was found illegally importing Kentucky Fried Chicken as a student at Iran’s state university.  

The monkey is reportedly classically trained and played in Iran’s national orchestra for 4 years before deciding on the career move. His agent said: “It was a tossup between starring in the hit TV show ‘Iranian monkeys do the funniest things’ or the flight to space, needless to say he opted to develop our space program after promises of instant stardom on his return.” 

Iran needs to stop "monkeying around in space" says the Foundation for Retired Space Monkeys.

Iranian officials are promoting the launch to demonstrate that international pressure and sanctions have not prevented technological progress: “We launched a turtle, a rat and some garden worms into space back in 2010, now we have demonstrated we can preserve an animal biologically similar to a human. The next logical step is a flight for nuclear bob”. 

The modified artillery rocket harnessing the monkey reached 120 km above the Earth according to state media and the monkey is currently recovering before an anticipated media conference later today.  

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January 2013

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Scientists naming species only for them to die

There are now more taxonomists than ever before, that’s people who name animals new to science (calling your dog "rover" doesn’t count - ed) and as such they are discovering and naming species faster than ever.  This has led to the situation in which they are naming species only for the species to then become extinct.
 
"It’s quite annoying really" said Dr Smith our taxonomist in the field. "There you are in an Amazonian swamp, up to your nostrils in poisonous leeches when you finally find a new sort of beetle.  You give it a name and to thank you, the blighter goes and pops its clogs, taking its entire species with it, it’s all rather irritating". 

Taxonomy, not to be confused with the fine art that is taxidermy.

It all started as a bet with eminent scientician Lord Daftwager estimating there to be hundreds of millions of species in the world and claiming it to be impossible to name them all before they popped their clogs.  Dr Costello of the University of Auckland has taken up the wager estimating there to be only 2-8 million, of which 1.5 have been named, still some way to go then.  "With a modest increase in effort" he claims, "most species could be discovered".  Bold claims and only time will tell if he will be right or loose to lord Daftwager and have to rip up his ‘taxonomist of the year’ certificate whilst wearing a dress.
 
There are critics to this bold wager and Jean-Christophe Vie, deputy director of the International Union for Conservation of Nature, argues it is "more important to fight extinction than to catalogue species".
 
Taxonomy will always have a place though, as it’s always nice to know exactly which variety of poisonous leech has bitten you when you collapse in an Amazonian hospital.

Humans are a ‘plague on the Earth’ says Attenborough

The BBC’s top TV naturalist and national treasure David Attenborough has shown solidarity with sulking scientists, agreeing that we face impending doom within the next 50 years due to population growth and climate change.

An international panel of scientists, who have been spreading this news for years, are reportedly deeply upset that no one ever listens to them and are currently locked in the Large Hadron Collider, threatening to create a black hole to rid the world of the human plague.

A spokesperson for the scientists said: “After kidnapping Stephen Hawking later last week we have managed to formulate the conditions necessary to devour the contents of the world. David has kindly created a Noah's ark style bunker housing his favourite species so nature can carry on its business in peace and quiet, but we have agreed that most humans will be left at the mercy of the hole.”

The spokesperson added that unless people take radical action, everything with will go to the rats in about 50 years.

“It will start to get hot, things will start to die and you'll have to start stabbing people during your weekly shop to get out of the supermarket alive. Day to day living will become a gladiatorial contest for survival, which we'll watch like an episode of Big Brother from the luxury of our purpose-built survival spaceship, unknowingly funded by the tax payer for the past 20 years.”

Coming soon to a street near you.

Attenborough is confident that the natural world would do a good job of limiting population growth if left unchecked, but stated that it would just lead to millions of people starving and cause situations where people are being shot over half a Mars Bar. 

The black hole is pitted as a much more humane solution to prolongued starvation and involves being shredded into millions of pieces by an intense gravitational force. Scientists are advising those who want first admission to make their way to Switzerland.

BP discovers bottomless oil well...climate boffins said to have ‘gone Rambo’ at The South Pole

The CEO of one of the world’s largest energy companies announced on Wednesday that peak oil theories “appear increasingly groundless”, after earlier rumours that they had discovered a bottomless oil well appear to be confirmed. 

Peak oil is based on the widely held belief that you can’t extract something out of the ground forever; eventually extraction will peak and begin to decline, paralleled by price rises as the resource becomes increasingly scarce. BP however, disagree, after publishing a study predicting substantial increases in oil production into the future though controversial sources of shale oil and tar sands and an ‘undisclosed source’, believed to be a bottomless oil well which extends through The South Pole into Narnia.

Peace returns to The South Pole

Climate scientists expressed their rage at the news by kicking four BP officials out of the Amundsen–Scott South Pole Station, where they had been conducting studies, into an Antarctic blizzard before launching an impromptu hunting trip on their snowmobiles. The hunting party returned blood soaked and in good spirits but the fate of the officials remains unknown. 

The Narnia oil hole was reportedly well hidden from prying eyes by the researchers at the station using a carefully balanced toilet seat, but was uncovered by BP officials during their annual tax-deductible Antarctic oil hunt. This prompted a silencing operation led by the resident scientists, which they later realised to be futile after seeing the news had been tweeted.

The discovery means that carbon dioxide emissions will increase by more than a quarter by 2030: a looming catastrophe according to climate scientists who suggests emissions need to peak urgently to avoid dangerous climate change.

High expectations: why almost half of the world's food is thrown away

An estimated 30-50% of all food produced never sees a dinner plate, according to a report published on Thursday, which highlights consumer demand for aesthetically pleasing food as a significant contributor. 

“Around 870 million people currently live undernourished with the majority living in developing countries; in addition, global population is predicted to rise by an extra 3 billion by the end of the century, yet here we are chasing the perfectly shaped carrot,” said Linda Williams of the Institute for Vegetable Studies.

It's time to break the mould and accept what's pulled from the ground at taste value.

She added: “30% of vegetable crops in the UK are not harvested because they're simply not attractive enough; I mean really?... a carrot’s a carrot. I don’t care if it looks like it grew in Chernobyl, it adds a bit of character.”

Speculation of a spin-off Channel 4 show - ‘The Uneatables’ - is rumoured to highlight the plight of deformed vegetables from across the world, begging to be taken home and eaten by Western consumers. Critics argue the documentary would be nothing more than a ‘vegetable freak show’; however, long term vegetarian Linda Williams said the show would help raise the issue of vegetable misshapes and that taste tests would reveal that appearance counts for nothing when you’re munching away. 

The Institute for Vegetable Studies blames supermarkets for sourcing only the most visually pleasing vegetables and promoting excessive purchasing with buy-one-get-one offers, which is creating a ‘throw away and buy some more’ attitude. Supermarkets argue they simply fulfil consumer demand and that deformed vegetables are forever left over, destined for the bin when surrounded by geometrically perfect specimens.

Chinese father takes out online 'hit' on his son

In a move which would garner plenty of support from ignored girlfriends and concerned parents the world over, a Chinese father has hired "griefers" to repeatedly kill his son’s online characters.  Xaio Feng the unlucky "victim" of the hit became suspicious when he was persistently killed by higher level "griefers", the online term for players who repeatedly kill and otherwise irritate other players. On talking to his attackers, Xaio was informed they had been promised payment for "killing" him. 

Xaio had recently left his software job and his father became concerned that he was playing video games rather than searching for a new job.  In a country in which many clinics still use electric shock therapy in order to dissuade online and video game addiction, Xaio's father felt he had no choice but to take out the "hit".  No doubt in fear of his father escalating matters and employing an actual assassin, Xaio has agreed to get off the sofa and down to the jobcentre... An example for more exasperated parents to follow?

Parents ‘shouldn’t carry babies upside-down’

A top US scientist suggests you should carry your baby upright for optimal development, in his latest book which examines child-rearing techniques in traditional Amazonian and African tribes compared to western styles. 

He suggests that practicing techniques applied in traditional tribes, which have been honed over thousands of years, such as carrying your baby the right way round and facing it forward can help shape your little one into a “confident, outgoing, bubbly young chap.”

“A forward facing child will grow to have a similar outlook on life; becoming confident and secure in its surroundings with aspirations of great adventures, a bit like that Ranulph Fiennes fellow, though you should still ensure public schooling for optimum adventuring potential.  In contrast, the recent trend towards twirling little Alfie around by his legs to get a cute YouTube video, or the unverified method of carrying babies around town upside-down  to keep them below the smog and cigarette smoke will likely just leave them dazed and disconnected from the world.”

Other observed trends included babies brought up on a diet of premium organic baby food developing naturalist and hippy tendencies and those always pushed around in bomb-proof pram enclosures becoming fearful of inner city areas and discount sportswear stores.

Since researchers cannot perform direct experiments on the outcome of varying upbringings on child development for moral and legal reasons, they rely on ‘natural experiments’, where they observe child-rearing methods across the world and correlate them with future behaviours.

He added: “We once saw an Amazonian tree climbing tribe integrating their newborn with a family of monkeys so it would be interesting to see how that one turns out.”