Watch out Mickey, there's a new theme park on the block

It will come as no surprise to most people that North Korean dictator Kim-Jong Un is away with the fairies, however reports suggest he wants to bring the country along with him. The Rodong Sinmun the newspaper of North Korea's ruling party calls for the people to "Spruce up" their country turning it into a "Socialist Fairyland".

Kim Jong-un has seemingly become disillusioned by his countries lack of theme parks and decided to turn the whole country into one. He has instructed for all the nations roundabouts to be measured up for spinning teacup rides and the rail network is to become one giant roller coaster.

Despite not travelling more than 30 mph, being mostly flat and feeling very communist, the ‘roller coaster’ rail network will offer the chance to experience the vast expanse of North Korean darkness, with every journey offering the thrill of “an equal chance of a derailment, collision or plunging into a ravine.”

Can fairies see in the dark?

Some analysts suggest the move away from the traditional strong dictatorship to promote the equality of communism is an attempt to increase tourist numbers, bringing in revenue to feed their starving population. However, cynics suggest it will simply finance their next batch of cardboard tanks and that U.N weapons inspectors will likely end their visit sick from candyfloss and entombed in a rusty train wreck at the base of a cliff.

He's in your papers stealing all your news...

HEY! GUYS! HEY! I'M OVER HERE!

NOW I'M WEARING A HAT!

Kim Jong-un made another attempt to get the world’s attention by waving his arms in the air and shouting "Hey! Guys! Look at me! Look! Look at what I’m doing!" Whilst positioning "missiles" on the border with South Korea. Fortunately the missiles, believed to be untested 'Musudans' thought to be able to reach the U.S territory of Guam, are more likely to be rolled up old carpets with a cardboard cone on top after sources saw Mr Jong-Un with a receipt from 'Carpet right' and a dozen rolls of duct-tape.

Kim Jong-un's attempts to dominate the news stem from his stated intention to get into next year's celebrity Big Brother. A top North Korean general stated that if this move doesn’t get him a call from the producers there will be nothing left for Kim Jong-un to do but strip naked and march along the entire North-South Korean border pausing only to press his bottom through the fence.

A spokesperson for Big Brother's producers said "We have attempted many times to contact Mr Jong-un for the program, however apparently he hasn’t been paying his bills and the phone lines have been cut off".


NOW I'M PLANNING TO INVADE YOU! paaaay attention... guuyyss...

Oh dear America: Obama the anti-Christ, global warming a hoax, aircraft exhaust fumes are chemicals sprayed by the government....are you kidding me?!

It boasts some of the best educational and research facilities in the world, but it appears God didn’t bless all of America with rational thought and reasoning, following the release of a somewhat embarrassing national poll carried out by the Public Policy Polling organisation*. One would hope the relatively small sample size doesn’t reflect the population as a whole given the surprising results.

Read the highlights below:

• 4% believe that shape-shifting reptilian people control our world by taking on human form and gaining political power to manipulate our societies...YES you did actually just read that. That’s 4 in every 100 people!

Your president...or a lizard? Maybe we should interrogate it.

• 5% believe that the exhaust seen in the sky behind airplanes is actually chemicals sprayed by the government for sinister reasons... Come on guys they cruise at 37,000 feet. 

 

• 13% believe Obama is the anti-Christ...No comment.

• 14% of voters believe in Bigfoot...Supported by how much evidence?

• 15% believe media or the government adds secret mind-controlling technology to television broadcast signal...You will buy extra fries with that burger like a good capitalist consumer.

• 15% of voters think the medical industry and the pharmaceutical industry “invent” new diseases to make money...No they ‘invent’ new pharmaceuticals to relieve you of your money.

37% believe global warming is a hoax....I mean honestly!?

* Read the report